I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
