Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
