You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
