So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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