allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
