dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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