Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
