They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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