I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
