just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
