I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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