I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
