He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
