Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
