I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
