Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
