ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
