If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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