You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I accidentally burped into my bong.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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