Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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