i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
