I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
last night I used snow as a chaser
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
