DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Randomize
