I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
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