We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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