my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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