I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
