call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
