All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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