you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
