I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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