there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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