Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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