Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
