Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
