Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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