Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
