You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
