Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
