On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
