using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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