I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
