I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
