I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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