Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
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