Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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