Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
