Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
