i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
