Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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