I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
