My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
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And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
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Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.