I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
Can vaginas get frostbite?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.