Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
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You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
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I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.