Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.