it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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