My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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