forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
