I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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