Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
